Iv'e never been much of a television watcher but have had little energy for anything else for the last three weeks. And not just during the daytime. I am usually awake for television viewing for three to four hours beginning at three in the morning, followed by more television during the late morning and afternoon. For the last couple of weeks, I’ve tried doing some work in the morning and afternoon but can barely muster the strength to get out of bed and lie on the couch.
Right now I'm watching The Discovery Channel. This is a channel no one ever plans on watching. It just happens. You're channel surfing and all of a sudden -- boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
With the notable exception of the History Channel, there are few basic cable channels that appeal to men more than the Discovery Channel. As if Shark Week and Myth Busters aren’t enough reason to watch, they also have Deadliest Catch, Dirty Jobs, and Man vs. Wild.
Speaking of the History Channel, what happened to history? Every time I surf the history channel, I see reality TV!
Pawn Stars - Yeah, a high end pawn shop.
American Pickers - Guys looking for valuable old junk?
Ice Road Truckers – Driving on frozen roads.
Deadliest Roads - You’re kidding.
Ax men? Again, is this the History Channel or Reality TV?
Ice Road Truckers is about a bunch of diesel dummies that drive on frozen roads.
Okay, sounds kind of scary. But you have to believe that anyone, even a diesel dummy driving the same frozen roads over and over again will eventually become good at it. So where is the excitement? Once in a while someone will drive off a road and crash, but for the most part the show is uneventful and boring. Just now the announcer is trying desperately to make a driver with a “check engine light” sound exciting.
Then there’s always ESPN Sport Center to fall back on. It’s available 24 hours a day and repeats itself on the hour. As entertaining as this may be the first time around daily doses become mind numbing. Not to you? Then you just might be addicted to sports. Test yourself by checking if you exhibit any of the following symptoms:
You can't go to sleep without watching sports center at least three times all the way through.
You just got done watching an entire basketball game, and then switch the channel to ESPN to watch the highlights.
The TV is on and you walk by to see the same sports center you have been watching all day is on, and you stop and watch each highlight like you haven't seen it yet.
You record sports center.
During a game you see something and say to yourself, “That’s a sports center top 10”.
Watching sports center for the 8th time is better than watching a regular TV show.
Finally, the even daytime commercials provide their own entertainment excepting that they’re targeted directly at you. Am I really that bad?
"Are you a loser? Then go to college at your local degree mill! We offer PhD's in just 18 months!"
"Are you struggling under debt? Then call the Dead Beat Debt Consolidation Program. Expert financial advisors are standing by now to show you how to not pay back the money you owe!"
"Injured or just willing to say you've been? Call Personal Injury Lawyers at 1-800-SUE-THEM."
And so forth and so on.
I decided that if I was going to remain incapacitated for any additional length of time I might need to expand my television viewing options. As we are currently Comcast cable subscribers, the obvious solution is to purchase an expanded package. We currently subscribe to Digital Starter package which offers 80 channels. Of those 80 channels we probably watch 10 or fewer on a regular basis.
Viewing the Comcast website I found that my only real upgrade would be the Digital Premier package which offers 200 channels, including HBO, Starz, Cinemax and Showtime as well as an expanded Sports Entertainment package for $85 per month for the first six months (then the bill goes up). Of course, that really translates to an additional 50 filler channels not worth viewing, multiple movie channels we wouldn’t watch because of content and more sports than anyone needs, all for only $50 per month more than what we currently pay. Not a great option.
The second option, and one we decided on, was to reinstate our Netflix account. For $8 per month we have unlimited access to on-demand movies. The selection isn’t super but is certainly better than reruns of Ice Road Truckers.
I only hope that I can get some energy back so as to make up my own entertainment. I’ve always been so much better at it than the television entertainment industry.
Countin' flowers on the wall
That don't bother me at all
Playin' solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one
Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo
Now don't tell me I've nothin' to do
(Statler Brothers)
I did watch Captain Kangaroo when I was a kid but have never smoked cigarettes. I am not blaming my lung cancer on the Captain unless I might be able to sue him. Hey you Personal Injury Lawyers, do you think I have a case?
4 comments:
You are SAD. And the upgrades on Comcast are NOT WORTH IT.
Funny post Ken. Just so you know, my favorites are the trash assaulting trash shows and the cash for gold commercials are my favorites ("What? You mean all these jewelry items made of precious metal are worth money?!?").
Ken,what a great overview of TV. I think you should send it to the newspaper, maybe they would hire you on as a humor columnist.
(Hey, you forgot to mention the home shopping channels)
Hope you get feeling better soon.
Betty
I laughed at your summation of Ice Road Truckers. And I agree precisely with your criticism of it...aren't these people professional "ice road truckers", why should it necessarily even be treacherous? Very good summation of daytime television in general.
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